White Trash Mom

Best of WTM: Fakin' It for the Bake Sale

Dig if you will, this post from earlier in 2008 from Tacky Princess.  This is from out "Best of WTM" files so Molly and I can continue to "work" at Blogher 08.  That is just how selfless we are people.  Please read about fakin it for the bake sale!

Once again last week, I found myself in a familiar situation. I had forgotten to make cookies for a school event.What's new, right? Many of you have been with us long enough to be asking me that question. Well, unlike the Queen, I actually enjoy baking. I know, I know, it really doesn't fit the WT mold! But I do. So, beat me!

Anyway, when faced with this situation and only about 30 minutes to fix the problem, what did I do? I did what any self-respecting WT Mom would do! I FAKE BAKED! And for those of you lame (oops) naive enough to think I'm referring to tanning, you must be on the wrong blog!

No, no, comrades. I'm talking about buying something at the store and making it look like I slaved over it for hours for the wee ones at the school. And for those of you lame (oops) naive enough to think that you can substitute store bought for Homemade (without cheating to make it look like Homemade), have you not been listening to us for the last two years on this blog??????

Naturally, because I am LAME, it did initially backfire on me. The word Princess isn't in my name for nothing. However, in the end, I triumphed over all! Here's how it all went down.

Plan A - racing through in the grocery store in search of plain sugar cookies to decorate with frosting from a can and sprinkles, etc. There aren't any. Only ones that are already frosted. Great.

Plan B - Search for plain brownies in the bakery department that I can dollop caramel sauce over and smush slightly, cut unevenly to make look Homemade and present on throwaway plastic platter, perhaps leaving a bit of the caramel on my cheek. (How cheeky!). No plain brownies. Only ones with dorky, perfect icing on top. Crap!

Plan C - Take the already pink-frosted sugar cookies, and get the frosting in the tube to add our school's initials to the top. Sounds easy, right? Oh, clever me! I'm a Clever Callie! The cashier is on to me and tells me how smart and clever I am. I do my Tacky Princess Dance all the way home. NOT SO FAST! Naturally, being LAME, I didn't notice the microscopic words that would take the microfische reader at the library to decipher if you're over the age of 19:     Use with Betty Crocker Decorating Tips What the...? I rummage through my cookie decorating supplies (yes, I said I like to bake, campers...), and what to my absolute shock do I find but the aforementioned tips!

Triumphant, I screw said tip onto the "EASY SQUEEZE Decorating Icing". See the picture of the lovely scripted writing. How cool is that, I thought. The directions said to knead the tube several times to soften the icing up. I do this and proceed to start decorating. What's this? Nothing is coming out. How can that be. It's a brand new tube. I remove the tip, put the lid back on and knead away for about a minute. My hand hurts (don't go there...). I put the tip back on and try again. Nothing. I take the tip back off and try it with nothing on the top at all - - just the open tube. After about 10 seconds of squeezing a small amount of the very thick frosting starts to come out. You have got to be kidding me. EASY SQUEEZE? This has now taken about 15 minutes of my decorating time, and I have accomplished SQUAT.

PLAN Z - Thank you, God, there's a can of plain vanilla frosting in my baking supplies. I slap a dollup of that on each cookie and throw a few seasonal sprinkles on each cookie. Voila! Homemade cookies for the event at school. I toss the cookies onto a plastic platter that I couldn't care less about getting back and race up to school to deliver the goodies to the kids - 4 minutes late. (Not bad, I have to say...).

I enter the room to "ooh's and ahh's" from parent's, teachers and kids alike. Take that, Muffies. One Muffy, in particular, has a scowl on her face. She probably thought I would forget (again...), but this time I came through. I barely got a glance from my 8th grader.

Later, though, she did tell me that every single one of my cookies was gobbled up, while the homemade chocolate chippers had some leftover, as did the blonde brownies. As for the Chips Ahoy served right out of the package, well...let's just say there were plenty of those to take home and pack for weeks of sack lunches to come.

WTM's: 1 Muffies: 0

Betty Crocker: No thanks...

For more on this adventure, check out my post at Disney's Family.com . You can also view my other posts there at: http://family.com/go/blog/Princess_Peg

On the Road with White Trash Mom

So, Michelle and I are at the 2008 BlogHer conference. I have traveled with the Queen of White Trash on several occasions. I already had insider's knowledge of what this would be like. I already knew, for example, that:

• She does not require caffeine to keep her foot tapping non-stop for hours at a time, even though our flight left at 8:30 AM  (Understand that this required us to leave home at a little after 6 in the morning...)
• She is more impatient than a 6 year old. On the flight from the Midwest alone...:

"How long have we been in the air?"

"When will be there?"

"Excuse me, miss, could I have another Dr. Pepper?"

"What time is it now?"

"How long will the ride to the hotel take?"

"What time will we get to the hotel?"

"Excuse me, miss, may I have another Dr. Pepper, please?"

"What time is it now?"

"When will we be there?"

"Ma'am, may I please have another Dr. Pepper?"

"When do we land?"

"It's only 9 what? What do you mean? How come?"

"What do you mean you're not serving anymore beverages? I only want a Dr. Pepper!"

• She snores pretty religiously (but it's pretty soft, and I do, too, so I really can't complain too much about that one...)

You get the idea.

In spite of all of this, what you may also not know is that the Queen is quite generous and is generally a pleasure to be around...when she isn't whining, that is (wink...hey, she says so herself!).

For more snippit's of the Queen's and my time together, please visit my newly launched "A Mother's Balancing Act". I'm still working on the back end of that site, but I am posting on it now, so by all means, start visiting!

Cheers to you, and if you mysteriously crave a Dr. Pepper after reading this post, I'll understand!

Best of WTM: Teachers Hooking Up

Please note that while Molly (Tacky Princess) and I are working at Blogher 08, we have for your viewing pleasure some of our past posts, the Best of WTM so that we do not have to take time away from our cocktails (I mean, our meetings0 to post on this blog.  Thank you and you are now free to roam about the blog.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

It's a proud day in the Lamar house.  My 10-year -old daughter and her pals wrote a book for their teacher.

The book was called "How to Get a Date".

In this soon to be famous dating guide, the 10 year olds gave the twenty something teacher TIPS on HOW TO FIND A MAN.  Keep in mind that this kid, is the one who goes to Catholic school.

I bring that up  so you will feel my pain since one of the chapters was about how this teacher SHOULD DATE ONE OF THE NEW CANDIDATES FOR THE PRIESTHOOD. 

You gotta know that this book was the talk of the teacher's lounge last week. I'm just glad they edited the title of the book from the ORIGINAL idea.

"HOW TO HOOK UP"

I can't make this up folks.   Convents, anyone?  Only three more weeks of school.  Perhaps we can make it that long.

Martha Stewart's Driveway

In "shopping" for a new site for a personal blog this week, I stumbled upon Martha Stewart's "personal blog". (Yeah, right...)

I just had to share today's compelling entry with you. I know that this topic is at the very top of my mental "To Do List" for the next day each night as I nod off to sleep:

Time for a trim?

Manicuring the Grass Edges at my Farm

The very use of the word "manicure" in reference to the edge of one's driveway makes my pedicure look even worse and more in need of an update before BlogHer later this week.

Anyway, hopefully, you can get the same sort of belly laugh out of this post that I did. Be sure to read the comments!

Tacky Princess

Manicuring the Grass Edges at my Farm

Random Musings at 1 AM

The other day I was so delighted to tell you all that the Duct Tape Bandit was off to jail. Well, that night I took a late shower, shut my bedside lamp off and curled up next to my Big Strong Man, who had already turned his lamp off. He'd been sleeping but turned over to give me a kiss goodnight. He also said something else that I don't now recall, but at the time it gave me the impression that perhaps he'd only just fallen asleep and was up for some late night chatter.

This was my first mistake. Forgetting that I am Miss Midnight and my husband is Mr. Morning. Ha!

So, being the total geek that I am, I wanted to relay the happy news re: the bandit to BSM. So, I blurt out in the pitch dark:

TP: The Duct Tape Bandit got 10 years!

To which my groggy husband replied (without skipping a beat, I might add...)

BSM: The east breeze is shattered at the full moon.

So, I start cracking up and say, "What?"

And he goes:

BSM: Is that some sort of Russian code or something? I was just trying to keep up with you.

TP: No. You know. The Duct Tape Bandit! Remember? The guy who tried to rob the liquor with his head all wrapped in duct tape? And then he tried to deny it had been him after they caught him red-handed?

BSM: Oh, hmmm...yeah.

By this time, I am nearly delirious I think this is so funny. I can hardly contain myself I am laughing so hard...in the pitch dark.

TP: What did you say again?

BSM: The east breeze is shattered at the full moon?

Again, wild laughter in the dark.

Pausing to gasp my breath and wipe spittle off my once-clean chin...

TP: What the hell does that mean?

BSM: You know. Like in a spy movie.

TP: And you were just sound asleep a minute ago, weren't you?

BSM: mmm...(slipping back off into the land of nod...)

Husbands. They really are a peculiar species.  :-)

Tacky Princess